"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?

... Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone." - Pink, "Glitter in the Air"

I've never considered myself someone who needs a man to validate my life. When I was younger and following my separation from my ex husband, I was quite content with a "friends with benefits" situation. Once my divorce was final however, I went on hiatus. A twenty-two month hiatus.

In April of 2007, I decided to end my "break from dates." I had every intention of returning to my FWB ways. Yet Fate sometimes has a way of intervening and that's when I met Jason. There are many things I can say about Jason, both good and bad, but there was one important lesson I learned from our relationship. About myself.  While I don't need a man to justify my existence or to take care of me, I am someone who wants a man. I'm no longer satisfied with a casual relationship. I. Want. More. But I want a man, not need a man.

Maybe I'm a little forward thinking, but needing a man and wanting a man are two entirely different situations in my opinion. Needing a man implies life is not worth living without one. Needing a man suggests you don't have the know-how to take care of yourself. Needing a man insinuates a woman will use whatever means necessary to keep a man "in her pocket," even if it's at great cost to her physical or mental well being. There are also those nurturing women who "need" a man to take care of. They truly enjoy easing the burden of adulthood/reality/whatever of their man by taking care of the kids, keeping house, cooking, shopping, and all the rest of it. To the women that fall into the nurturing category, I tip my hat to you. For a start, you have far more patience than I do. To the rest of you who "need" a man, I ask this: what is it that is lacking in your life that requires a man's validation? That's a blog post for another time, though.

To me, wanting a man is just that. You have a life that you enjoy. You've got a circle of friends and family that you can rely on for both fun and support. Your bills are getting paid (eventually maybe but paid all the same). You have a place to live. You just want someone to enhance your life, someone who will put some sparkle to your dazzle. A male perspective to mesh with your female perspective. Someone you can rely on when the chips are down and doesn't run screaming at the sight of tears (assuming you're not someone who cries at the drop of a hat of course). And yes, nurturing is good as long as you're able to balance it and not completely fall into the trap of being his mother/accountant/personal chef/housekeeper all rolled into one. And please, let's not forget wanting a man for the simple fact that they have the ability to rock our world.

The problem is for all their complaining, I think most men want to be needed. They're fixers. And that's okay to an extent. But I married one of those guys who needed to be needed. Ultimately, it was one of many reasons we divorced. He could never understand that for the most part, I was okay. I didn't need to be fixed. I needed someone I could rely on to pay the bills if I was working overtime, make the occasional trip to the grocery store, or get the oil changed and unfortunately for both of us, he wasn't that guy. But I wasn't the girl who had "trust issues" (that would be the girl I caught him cheating on me with), nor did I have "abandonment issues" (that would be the girl who paid for our divorce). And therefore, because I didn't "need" him (a direct quote), I wasn't enough for him.

Even with Jason, the first "serious" relationship (and I use that term loosely for reasons I won't get into here) I had after my divorce, there were moments when he'd look at me and say, "Man, you've got one of the biggest independent streaks I've ever seen." How I'm going to tamper my independent streak remains to be seen, but I'm more conscious of it, and hopefully that's a huge leap in the right direction.

But as I venture back into the world of dating, mating, and relating, I'm wondering if I'll ever find a guy like my friend Chris. As I pondered this blog post, I asked him if he preferred to be wanted or needed by a woman, his very quick response was, "Wanted. I got kids who need me."

Comments

[Jen]

This put a big smile on my face for the following reasons: 1) Been there 2) You know who you are and make no apologies which no one should 3) Honesty is the best policy 4) I believe most people want to be wanted...it's a boost for the ego 5) I enjoy reading what you have to write. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE follow this incredible gift you have as a writer! xoxo from your biggest follower/promoter Build it and he will come ;) And he will come!