... Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'" - Erich Fromm.
This topic I began pursuing on Wednesday left me with all kinds of unpublished thoughts rattling around in my head, and my post on Facebook regarding this topic seemed to strike a chord with many of you. So I'll continue.
A friend of mine, Anthony, and I were talking this past weekend about our exes. Anthony had met his second wife within months of his divorce being final, and they married several years later. She became an integral part of his business, which he had started two years prior to their meeting, but she and Anthony grew the business into a profitable and successful venture. Unfortunately, as with many small businesses, they took a substantial hit when the economy began to tank in 2005. Many hard decisions were made, both in their personal and professional lives, but just as the light at the end of the tunnel began burning brightly again, Anthony's wife left. It was later pointed out to Anthony that she had waited until she knew he was at a point where he'd be okay, but still, she left.
At the time Anthony was sharing this with me, a little bell started going off in the back of my head. It seemed to me that what happened with Anthony and his wife was almost like what happened with me. Once she realized Anthony didn't need her anymore, she left. Now I'm sure there are differences between the two situations, but I do have a theory I'd like to put in front of you.
I believe that people who opt to be "needed" in a relationship do so because they themselves could maybe benefit from a few hours (months, years, whatever) of therapy. I'm not going to pretend I understand what happened with Anthony and his wife. I wasn't there, and there are always two sides to every story. However, I can speak to the situation with my ex and I.
Let me preface this by saying I was twenty-six when I got married and at the time wouldn't believe that my worst day of being single could far outweigh the best day of being with my ex. It was a hard learned lesson.
My ex, whom I'll refer to as Dipshit because that's just easier, had confessed early on in our relationship that a previous girlfriend had accused him of being a compulsive liar. Reading through many articles about compulsive lying as well as sociopath behavior after our relationship unraveled, yeah.... she was spot on. I also found it ironic that even though I'd begged him for the last two years of our relationship, Dipshit began counseling within days of our divorce being final but suddenly stopped going because "his therapist was a crackpot." My guess is she started holding up a mirror to Dipshit so he could reflect on himself and he didn't like what he saw and took off.
OH WAIT! That's what happened with US! Dipshit realized trying to cast the blame on me for our less than stellar relationship wasn't working anymore because I kept holding the mirror up to him and he ran away. To someone who had trust issues that he could fix. And let me tell you, when your mother-in-law tells you her son would rather be the white knight on the horse fixing my problems rather than face his own dark side, that's saying something.
I think I digressed, so let me summarize what I'm attempting to say: Those people who "need" a relationship have a tendency to take off when they realize they are no longer "needed" (being "wanted" never enters the equation for them) because by staying, it means they would have to turn the mirror on themselves and deal with their own problems. For most people, it is far easier to run and hide (avoid if you will) than face themselves.
In writing my last blog, I've put the wanted vs. needed question to many people, young and old, men and women. The results were a staggering "wanted" and not a single person wanted to be "needed." :) I had originally hypothesized a theory that perhaps men who were used to "fixing" things would be more likely to say "needed" but running the question by my two cousins who are engineers and my friend Steve, a social worker, suggests that maybe fixing things on a professional level makes you even less likely to want to be needed.
My new friend Kim had an eloquent response to my Facebook posting (and I hope she forgives me for adding it here):
I say want for sure. In a "need" situation, people end up staying together out of necessity. In a "want" situation, people stay together because they choose to. Any stable, healthy person should prefer the latter over the former, in my opinion. You cannot be complete in a relationship with someone else unless you are first complete within yourself. Otherwise, co-dependency develops...which is a very unhealthy position to be in.
I'll take Kim's response just a tad further and suggest that in "need" situations, the equality and/or balance is always going to be off. One person will always be more likely to go above and beyond for the other to keep the other happy. In my opinion, this is the worst thing that could happen in a relationship in this day and age. We have so many other outside factors weighing us down between the economy and the politics, never mind what's going on outside of our country, that an unbalanced relationship only causes more strain to our already stressful lives.
Again though, I digress and instead will leave you with my cousin Shawn's great response. "I think you want something you can't have and then if you have them and happen to want them, you need them."
Couldn't have said it better myself, cos. :)
excellent blog! Well said my friend!
Posted by: Amanda | April 01, 2011 at 08:17 PM
Do we want because we need or need because we want and are we ever satisfied?
Posted by: Wendy Robinson | April 02, 2011 at 11:51 PM