"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves...

 ... and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."  ~ Agnes Repplier

Just a heads up, this is one of those I'm putting myself out there blog posts.

In Friday's post, I wrote "I met a new guy I'm sort of interested in. As suave as I'd love to pretend to be, I'm not and my insecurities regarding my looks came into question. His text message back to me was, 'Well, get over it. :) Every guy likes a girl who likes herself. Cuz if you don't like you how do you expect others to like you.'

First, I'm not going to be able to get through this post without mentioning the new guy a time or two, so I'm going to nickname him Marshall because he's into martial arts.

Now that that's settled....

I've been turning over Marshall's comment in my mind a lot since I received it. I was super impressed that this guy, who's actually closer in age to my sister than he is to me, not only had the balls to call me out whenever my insecurity reared it's ugly head but that he also told me not what I wanted to hear (I won't deny I occasionally go fishing for compliments) but what I needed to hear. And so even if nothing ever materializes between Marshall and me, I will always like and respect him for those two reasons. The second reason I've been turning over Marshall's comment in my mind so much is because I know myself well enough to admit: I'm not my own biggest fan.

Don't get me wrong. There are things I truly like about myself. I think I'm a good writer, I know I'm a great cook (hey, my size should go a long way in proving I can cook), and I love my sense of humor. I'm of above average intelligence (most of the time), quick to grasp new concepts, friendly, and there's no denying I'm outgoing. I could go on about more things I like about myself, but I'll preserve what modesty I have left.

Yet I am sooooo quick to jump to the, "It's not him/her, it's me!" point the minute someone says something I personally deem to be a criticism. Case in point: I had said something to Marshall about maybe getting together one of these days and his response was somewhere along the lines of that he was too busy at this time between work and his martial arts training. I immediately took that to mean he was rejecting me. A very nice interchange followed and that's when Marshall made the remark about how I needed to like myself before anyone else could like me.

But it's sooooo hard. And yes, you can picture me using a whiny junior high voice because hey, I deserve it.

I don't have the greatest self-confidence. In a society where looks are deemed the deciding, determining, all encompassing factor, it's extremely hard for a plus-size woman to have self confidence. When you're raised by two parents who were both very body beautiful focused, having a chubby kid garners a lot of criticism (remember when I mentioned my mom used to tell me I could be so pretty if....?). I felt like a constant disappointment to them despite the fact I got good grades, was well liked by both my teachers and my peers, and played piano well.

And while it's embarrassing to admit, I will admit to a certain level of promiscuity in college and beyond. If a guy I found even remotely attractive showed an interest in me (yes, even Sasquatch was deemed attractive with the help of alcohol), chances were high that I'd embrace my inner wanton and go a lot farther than was healthy in the hopes the boy would want to date me. YES, I completely understand this is self-destructive unhealthy behavior but again, I was in college and therefore, slightly delusional.

When I met Dipshit, I was ripe for the picking. He was my first boyfriend, my first love. He could've promised me a pig farm in the hottest, humid-est, mosquito-infested part of the world and I would've followed him anywhere I was so desperate for someone to love me.

What a crock.

I will one day write a blog, or perhaps a series of them, regarding my relationship with Dipshit. It's too much to cover in this one post but our relationship goes a very long way down the road to my self-worth issues. Suffice it to say, he was someone who consistently chipped away at my self esteem (probably in an effort to get me to break up with him but who knows), cheated on me, and chipped away at my self worth some more.

While we were going through the divorce, I once asked why he didn't want to at least try working on our marriage. He looked me up and down and scornfully declared, "You're just not worth it to me."

And I believed him. Sad to say, but in many ways, I still believe him.

It took me two years after the divorce was final to start dating again. I just wasn't in the right place. And again, I won't deny that once I did start dating again, I may have unleashed my inner wanton a time or two (or acted like a horny slut, whichever you prefer to say). I dated a married guy, and by dating I mean we went to dinner, did the movies a few times, went to bars, slept together, etc.. For two years. He's since divorced his wife and has a new girlfriend after telling me, "You're a good friend, you are, and I enjoy talking with you. I'm just not romantically interested in you."

I've been hit, I've been hit! And no, I won't deny the hit could have come from Karma.

I've made a few other bad mistakes since my divorce (anyone care to take out a hit on Mike for me?). And I've made some  really good mistakes, too (there's a certain guy out there who shares my birth date whom I will always think of when I hear Sheryl Crow's "Favorite Mistake").

But the biggest mistake I'm making is not liking myself. So instead of finding a man who is going to wave his magic wand and try and make me feel better about myself, I'm going to get to know myself better. And while I may not like every aspect of myself (because really? I'm not perfect and I already know that and I'm not going to pretend to be), I really should at the very least like myself.

And Jen, while I realize you've been trying to tell me this all along, it's very different coming from someone whose known you all of two weeks and not thirty-two years. Love you!

And Marshall, thanks.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Jen]

Sometimes all it takes is for someone to say something to us and bam it clicks when we're ready to hear it and discover what lies ahead :) Love you back!

[Karen Stillwagon]

I think self love is difficult for many of us. As a child I was chubby and teased constantly by other kids. I compensated by becoming the fastest runner in the group, learned to play a wicked game of tennis at age twelve, and was a fantastic swimmer. All of this at a time when my school didn't have sports teams for girls. At age 19 between my freshman and sophmore years in college I decided I wanted to be thin and lost 25 pounds. Up until this point, I hadn't dated, low self esteem. That fall I returned to school, pledged a sorority, and began to have a social life for the first time. For me, weight was a big issue, so I know what you're talking about. Our culture is looks oriented and tends to ignore intelligence, personality, friendliness and a host of other positive traits. This seems to apply to women more than men. Just look at male movie stars who get older but continue to date and marry women young enough to be their daughters!!!!! Continue to do the things you love, and that you're good at and the self love will grow. And by the way, you're a GREAT WRITER!

[amanda]

I share the same feelings about weight...it seems society deems it the end all be all of everything. Hell I even think it is the end all and be all...yep as a fellow plus sizer I have been sucked in too.

I also have a mom that seems to have no problem telling me "Honey you have got to lose some wieght." That's the pot calling the kettle black.

I have never lived a day in my life as a thin person. I would love to be thin...but I guess I should work on liking me as I am now cause let's face I won't be dropping 100 lbs tomorrow unless.....well that's a whole other topic...lol

[Wendy Robinson]

I also struggle with low self esteem. I only went on three dates with three different guys and none of them asked me for a second date. Brad was the only one who ever seemed to like me. I kind of rushed into marrying him because I feared I wouldn't get another chance. We've had a rocky marriage but with God's help every step of the way, we are still together after 21 years. I only have a 3-4 friends. Most of the time that I do things with people is when I call them and set something up. People rarely call me. There is one exception and we talk every Saturday morning taking turns with regard to who calls. The friendship is very special to me. Still, I worry that I am going to mess it up some how and lose this very special friend. Anyway, I just wanted to share that you are not alone. You are beautiful Monique! In every way! Believe it! Love your posts and your willingness to share.

[Wendy Robinson]

Question: Why don't men seem to struggle with the self esteem issue like many women do?

[amanda]

I think men do struggle with self esteem, they just handle it differently. I know my hubby is overweight and he adopts the eff em attitude. He says we gals worry too much about what other people think. He has a point.